The Ultimate Anti-Valentine Gift Guide

It’s no secret that I don’t like Valentine’s Day. Dental exams & Pickleball tournaments are good examples of scheduled obligations. Romance, on the other hand is best when experienced spontaneously. In protest of Valentine’s Day please enjoy the very best anti-Valentine’s gift ideas.

I mean, this is cute but when you take it out of the bag, sign it in front of me then hand it over, it loses a bit of its charm.

To quote myself, Valentine’s Day is a holiday that at its heart seeks to point out that if unreminded, men would go years on end, possibly even an entire LIFETIME without buying their wives cheap, skanky, scratchy underwear.

When realistically what men need to be reminded of is to not buy their wives cheap, skanky underwear. On any day of the year.

I think the only circumstance in which I find Valentine’s Day to be heart melting is if, while at the grocery store I see an elderly man thoughtfully inspecting roses to bring home to his wife for the 60th time.

In my imagination this wife is gray haired, bright eyed like her husband, and wears the 60 year old calico apron that she got as a wedding present.

3 minutes later cynical imagination takes over and that wife is a scheming harlot with a top notch lawyer on speed dial.

Anti-Valentine Gift Ideas

For when one of you thinks cupid is stupid.

Just to note – those face pillows come with 3 outfit choices which means you can get creative and make a Man-baby or Lady-baby if you want.

I loved the Kitchen Aid decals so much that as soon as I added the item to my blog post, I went back to Amazon to order myself one before I went back to finish writing this post.

And WOW was that a thing. This decal is $13 US on which converts to around $17 Canadian.

So I immediately went to (Canada) to order one for myself assuming it would cost me around $17. Maybe a bit more.

On the decal was $42. For a sticker.

So I went back to to see if I could order the decal from there and then have it shipped here to Canada.

Yo COULD Y ellos DID and I’m sure I’ll love it.

I realized my story wasn’t as exciting as I originally thought so I added bold lettering and ALL CAPS to the last sentence for a bit of drama for you.

You’re welcome.

While researching this post trying to find good gift ideas I actually Googled – what women really want for Valentine’s Day.

The top of the Google search, the NUMBER ONE result was this list. (it might differ for you)

1. Her favorite perfume…

2. A shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret.

3. Tickets to go to Book of Mormon.

4. A night at (… a nice…) hotel.

5. Strawberries dipped in chocolate, with a great bottle of wine.

6. A couples’ photoshoot.

7. Godiva chocolate.

8. A box of Nügateau’s éclair.

9. One of these fitness classes so she can achieve her #beachbodgoals.

This is what Google decided was the BE ALL and END ALL, the absolute BEST IDEAS on the whole Internet to give you. The #1 spot.

And this is why I do not like Google.

Goop on the other hand, thinks women want these “ear pendants”.

They’re $77,000. And that is why I do love Goop. They’re a little on the pricey side but at least they’re not a fitness class so I can achieve my #beachbodgoals.

Although they do look a bit scratchy.

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