It’s no secret that I don’t like Valentine’s Day. Dental exams & Pickleball tournaments are good examples of scheduled obligations. Romance, on the other hand is best when experienced spontaneously. In protest of Valentine’s Day please enjoy the very best anti-Valentine’s gift ideas.
To quote myself, Valentine’s Day is a holiday that at its heart seeks to point out that if unreminded, men would go years on end, possibly even an entire LIFETIME without buying their wives cheap, skanky, scratchy underwear.
When realistically what men need to be reminded of is to not buy their wives cheap, skanky underwear. On any day of the year.
I think the only circumstance in which I find Valentine’s Day to be heart melting is if, while at the grocery store I see an elderly man thoughtfully inspecting roses to bring home to his wife for the 60th time.
In my imagination this wife is gray haired, bright eyed like her husband, and wears the 60 year old calico apron that she got as a wedding present.
3 minutes later cynical imagination takes over and that wife is a scheming harlot with a top notch lawyer on speed dial.
Anti-Valentine Gift Ideas
For when one of you thinks cupid is stupid.
CUPID IS STUPID – banner
For a cozy anti-Valentine’s dinner in with the one you show love and appreciation to every day.
get it
DICK MUG
Photo Credit:
www.etsy.com
if your them is a him with a penis this is what he wants for Valentine’s day.
Or for those who have a drawer full of strap-ons.
Buy the dick mug
CARTOON FACE PILLOW
Photo Credit:
www.etsy.com
Send them a photo, and they make it into a ridiculous tiny pillow with a cartoon version of your loved one’s face.
Buy on Etsy
FULL COTTON BRIEFS
When you give period underwearthe message you send is, I care for your vagina in more ways than one.
56,000 5 star Amazon reviews, (said no one referring to a synthetic lace thong ever.)
Oh god. okay
Blue Dream Chocolates – Etsy
Photo Credit:
www.etsy.com
If you’re absolutely determined to bring home a box of chocolates 6 GOOD chocolates are better than 24 bad ones.
In my town the place would be Beanermunky.
Your local fancy chocolate place would love to have you in there.
(These stunning chocolates are from Etsy, made locally to me in Toronto, but available anywhere with shipping.)
Buy on Etsy
24 VINTAGE VALENTINES
Because a) they’re old time and cute and b) you can send them to friends who will enjoy them without having to shave their legs.
good idea
3 KIND OF WEIRD TABLETOP THINGS
But again, I like them because they’re vintage looking.
Also everything always looks better and more important if it’s under glass or on some sort of display stand. In this case a stick.
Buy them
Chet Baker Sings – VINYL
An actual vinyl album is automatically more romantic than giving a downloadable MP3.
When the album is Chet Baker it’s romance perfection.
Buy it
STAND MIXER DECALS
For when they love baking as much as they love you.
You can get all kinds of decals for the ubiquitous Kitchen Aid. Flowers, chocolate chip cookies, bees… Whatever you could possibly want you can probably find as a stand mixer decal.
Browse them all here or …
Get This One
Intimacy Card Deck
Photo Credit:
uncommon goods
A deck of cards with questions about your thoughts on everything from your first kiss to how your partner made you smile this week.
Perfect for new and old couples who are in the mood to learn more about each other & then probably get into a fight.
Buy ’em
Just to note – those face pillows come with 3 outfit choices which means you can get creative and make a Man-baby or Lady-baby if you want.
I loved the Kitchen Aid decals so much that as soon as I added the item to my blog post, I went back to Amazon to order myself one before I went back to finish writing this post.
And WOW was that a thing. This decal is $13 US on Amazon.com which converts to around $17 Canadian.
So I immediately went to Amazon.ca (Canada) to order one for myself assuming it would cost me around $17. Maybe a bit more.
On Amazon.ca the decal was $42. For a sticker.
So I went back to Amazon.com to see if I could order the decal from there and then have it shipped here to Canada.
Yo COULD Y ellos DID and I’m sure I’ll love it.
I realized my story wasn’t as exciting as I originally thought so I added bold lettering and ALL CAPS to the last sentence for a bit of drama for you.
You’re welcome.
While researching this post trying to find good gift ideas I actually Googled – what women really want for Valentine’s Day.
The top of the Google search, the NUMBER ONE result was this list. (it might differ for you)
1. Her favorite perfume…
2. A shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret.
3. Tickets to go to Book of Mormon.
4. A night at (… a nice…) hotel.
5. Strawberries dipped in chocolate, with a great bottle of wine.
6. A couples’ photoshoot.
7. Godiva chocolate.
8. A box of Nügateau’s éclair.
9. One of these fitness classes so she can achieve her #beachbodgoals.
This is what Google decided was the BE ALL and END ALL, the absolute BEST IDEAS on the whole Internet to give you. The #1 spot.
And this is why I do not like Google.
Goop on the other hand, thinks women want these “ear pendants”.
They’re $77,000. And that is why I do love Goop. They’re a little on the pricey side but at least they’re not a fitness class so I can achieve my #beachbodgoals.
Although they do look a bit scratchy.